Friday, 1 September 2017

The Girl Who's Always ill...

So what does it feel like to be unwell ALL of the time? 

The thought in the back of your mind that everyone thinks you're faking it...
The worries that you may not be able to do 'normal' things that most people my age can... 
The constant appointments at the Doctors and Hospital...
The feeling belittled because you can't bring yourself to work...

It's exhausting and deliberating and something I'm still yet to get to grips with totally. 

For those of you who don't know, I suffer with two chronic conditions, Ulcerative Colitis and Endometriosis. This has been the case since 2012 and it's been a long old journey packed with mis-diagnosis', blood tests, scans, Colonoscopies and now my third Laparoscopy. 

My tummy is no where near as bad as it first was *touch wood* but it's a sad reality that for me feeling 'normal' is that I have learnt to live with the dull ache and pain in my tummy every day. My immune system is shot to ribbons due to the UC and therefore I pick up every cough, cold and sore throat around me. I suffer with depression and anxiety as a result of it all and it has gotten to the point where not only am I sick of feeling like this, my friends are even struggling to understand me always complaining too - and that is something I completely get... why would you want to listen to me mope on about it all day, every day. 

This is why I'm writing this post because in many ways, letting my fingers express my anger by means of typing is truly helpful because, even if no one listens, it's like I'm pushing one more bit of negativity out of me and it's sort of therapeutic. 

Through counselling I have learnt that not bottling things up is key... as the saying goes... a problem shared is a problem halved... but how do I say how I'm feeling if I'm worried people don't want to hear it... that's something I'm still yet to learn; even to the point where I hate going to the doctors constantly to check what this could mean or what does that mean...

I want to say that I am so very grateful that things are not worse for me; I have heard so many terrible stories about people's health recently and it really does help to put things into perspective for me but it's not to say that everyone who is going through similar to me is not worthy of being heard. You're still just as important as the person who is more ill than you... you're still human and you shouldn't have to go through the things you are. That's what I try to tell myself anyway. I really am completely fed up with how I am and in many ways I think it worsens things because of how much I worry. Every un-settling symptom still makes me nervous, especially as I don't want to be back in the state that I was. It may seem like I over-react but in reality I'm just cautious not to be back in hospital for a week trying to fix myself. 

On a more positive note I have booked to go travelling in January... it's given me an aim to feel better by then... to stabilise my conditions and to go to the other side of the world without having these conditions looming over me and holding me back... it's really scary but I am challenging myself to do it and I can't wait to prove the world and myself wrong. 

I AM more than these conditions and I WILL be me again. 

I'm sorry this is another slightly moany and depressing post but I am trying my hardest to keep smiling and keep on keeping on, it's just sometimes, like today, it gets the better of me and so I thought I'd write it al down, as I said. 

If you have a moment, check these sites out for more information on the illnesses: 

I'd love to hear from you if you or someone you know is going through the same or similar... it really helps when I feel like part of a community with this, because then I feel less alone. 

Also, there was a video I watched on Facebook by Buzzfeed yesterday and it was really relatable, so if you have another moment free, be sure to check it out:
Video: Times My Doctor Didn't Listen to My Pain

With love, hugs, kisses and special wishes,

From Katy